Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
