im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
