I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
