I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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