If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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