i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
