Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
