Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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