Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
