If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
