i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
