Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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