I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
