the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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