I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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