Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
