11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
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