We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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