3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I had to cum in my sink.
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