the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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