He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
