I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
