I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
