Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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