youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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