I just pynch a tree in the face
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
