I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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