There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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