bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
