he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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