better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
