The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
