Just cropdusted the office
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
