if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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