my phone needs a breathalizer
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
