i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
