Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
