if i can run in heels then i can drive
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
