his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
