he told me I talked like a deaf person
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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