sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
