its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
