Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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