Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
