your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Randomize
