So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
