So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
we're so committed to being not committed
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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