Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
