I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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