Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
